Well, this is weird.

i never write in this thing anymore, ever.

I've sort of been preoccupied I guess.

There's school, my foul drug habit, relationships, etc.

School is going surprisingly well, straight A's.

Relationships, not so good. Have a few friends left. My "best friend" said to me: "I HOPE YOU PUKE UP YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES! FUCK YOU KAYLA FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. GO OVERDOSE ON YOUR DRUGS. Go bury yourself a real fucking hole. I wish you were dead."

It hurt a lot. But I think I'll be alright. I don't know.

That boy I was talking about, who I wanted to go to New Orleans with? I've kind of fallen for him. I'm not sure what we are really, but I care for him, and he cares for me.

I've been shooting up too. Every weekend for the past three months or so. Not heroin, that's a good four hour trip away. Just Dilaudid. Hydromorphone. You know.

Smoking meth a little too, here and there on the weekends.

My bulimia has resurfaced.

I guess that's why I'm really back.

My body issues are on and off. I'll be okay with my body, then I'll hate it again.

I tried cocaine last weekend with Codie. It was really...enjoyable sadly.

Watched Requiem for a Dream while doing lines, which was sort of very ironic.

That weekend I lost 6 or so pounds just from lack of appetite.

Mmm....this is really unfortunate, I hate how much I like drugs.

God I love being numb. Fuck.

I miss my obsessive behaviors.

and the drugs. and the sex.

But I really miss the bones. And squeezing my ribs and hip bones every morning and being dizzy from not eating for days..weeks.

How can something so easily go into my mouth, be consumed, and me not feel guilty?

Whenever I'm faced with the decision of eating, I feel so confused.

I don't know what to do after I eat something. Do I excercise like crazy? Throw up? Fast the next few days?

And I end up just...eating. And letting it be.

I hate that. That is not okay.

I mean, I've been losing a little weight at a healthy pace.

But fuck that, you know?

Things are finally at ease and going right, and all I want to do is fuck it up. Just fuck it up.