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Thursday, 24 November 2011

  • Well, this is weird.

    i never write in this thing anymore, ever.

    I've sort of been preoccupied I guess.

    There's school, my foul drug habit, relationships, etc.

    School is going surprisingly well, straight A's.

    Relationships, not so good. Have a few friends left. My "best friend" said to me: "I HOPE YOU PUKE UP YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES! FUCK YOU KAYLA FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. GO OVERDOSE ON YOUR DRUGS. Go bury yourself a real fucking hole. I wish you were dead."

    It hurt a lot. But I think I'll be alright. I don't know.

    That boy I was talking about, who I wanted to go to New Orleans with? I've kind of fallen for him. I'm not sure what we are really, but I care for him, and he cares for me.

    I've been shooting up too. Every weekend for the past three months or so. Not heroin, that's a good four hour trip away. Just Dilaudid. Hydromorphone. You know.

    Smoking meth a little too, here and there on the weekends.

    My bulimia has resurfaced.

    I guess that's why I'm really back.

Tuesday, 02 August 2011

  • I'm head over heels for some guy as per usual.

    I've been drugged up all summer long.

    Cocaine every weekend pretty much. Mixed with some booze. Some hallucinogens.

    Shot up D's.

    I'm at an okay weight. An average weight.

    And it's killing me. 

    I don't know what to do much anymore.

    I just want to take this guy, this amazing guy...I just want to take him away from this shitty town and buy as many drugs as we can and just fucking get lost and drive to New Orleans.

     

Monday, 06 June 2011

  • My body issues are on and off. I'll be okay with my body, then I'll hate it again.

    I tried cocaine last weekend with Codie. It was really...enjoyable sadly.

    Watched Requiem for a Dream while doing lines, which was sort of very ironic.

    That weekend I lost 6 or so pounds just from lack of appetite.

    Mmm....this is really unfortunate, I hate how much I like drugs.

    God I love being numb. Fuck.

Thursday, 28 April 2011

  • So, for a few months I was totally happy with my body and not concerned about it whatsoever.

    I looked in the mirror tonight, and I want to cry for fucking hours.

    I am ridiculous. I am fat, legitimately FAT.

    I don't want to go out in public, this is embarassing and disgusting.

    The eating disordered thoughts are back in my head and I hate it so much.

    But it's for my own good. I really need to fix this. Seriously.

Saturday, 26 February 2011

  • Burn it down, burn it down.

    I miss my obsessive behaviors.

    and the drugs. and the sex.

    But I really miss the bones. And squeezing my ribs and hip bones every morning and being dizzy from not eating for days..weeks.

    How can something so easily go into my mouth, be consumed, and me not feel guilty?

    Whenever I'm faced with the decision of eating, I feel so confused.

    I don't know what to do after I eat something. Do I excercise like crazy? Throw up? Fast the next few days?

    And I end up just...eating. And letting it be.

    I hate that. That is not okay.

    I mean, I've been losing a little weight at a healthy pace.

    But fuck that, you know?

    Things are finally at ease and going right, and all I want to do is fuck it up. Just fuck it up.

     

ShiverLacedDreams

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    • Name: Kayla
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 5/17/2009

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About Me

  • I'm just like you, killing myself to live. Or killing myself to fucking die. Who knows these days.

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